How I became a Good Enough Father - Birth of V
The story of the birth of my first daughter, where I become (hopefully) a Good Enough Father)
How I became a Good Enough Father - Birth of V
We have a lot of pressure on us to be the best, to excel, to be highly motivated. Being a Father is a challenging business and the role of Father has changed in much of American society over the last few generations. What the social expectations were for my Father are very different then they have been for me. I also have made different choices.
We had our first child in 2008, my wife and I lived in Jersey City. Although I was of a similar age as my Father, at this age, was a Father of four. I was a first time Father at the age of 38, I was very set in my ways and also very unprepared for what Fatherhood and parenting would mean. Although, I was comfortable around children, as my sisters had babies while I was a young man and I spent time with them, it's a whole different thing to be a Dad.
We had a small one bedroom apartment in downtown Jersey City. My wife was working full-time. I was running my own animation and design firm. We were also finishing up a 4 year psychology and spirituality program, training us to be able to hold a therapeutic healing space for clients and we were expecting our first baby. It was a very dynamic time for us in 2008.
We had a small apartment and when Dhyana went into labor we set up a big standing pool in the middle of it with the intention of having a water birth at home. I remember setting it up the week before Dhyana went into labor and we hung out in it for hours. It was so fun, like having a hot tub in our living room.
My Mother had a hospital birth and we were choosing to have our child at home. We explored a number of options when we talked about getting a doula. During these conversations the idea of having a home birth came up and once we started to learn about it, we made the quick decision that this was for us. We interviewed a number of midwives and found one we liked. Her name was Marci and she had the right no nonsense approach. We were told that if there were any issues, we would know long before having to rush to a hospital and there was one only a block away from our apartmentl.
Dhyana began to feel contractions and we called our midwife and doulas into action. Because we were early on in the process, they were alerted but only would start coming over when Dhyana was really progressing. Unexpectedly, Dhyana started to get nauseous and began to vomit. She was in a lot of pain. I was alternating between squeezing her hips and holding a bowl for her to barf in. We took a shower together, Dhyana hung on me, breathing.
After a while, the team showed up and started to help. We inflated the pool, they brewed some concoctions to help Dhyana help with the nausea and keep her energy high and we stacked up piles of pillows for her to try to prop herself upon. We went into the pool. It went on all night long.
In the early hours of the morning, Marci the midwife’s tone tchanged. She said with alarm, the baby needs to come out NOW! Dhyana was exhausted but her pushing accelerated. I remember feeling terrified, that Dhyana might die, the baby might die, Dhyana might die, the baby might live, but all those fearful ideas were not going to serve anyone, Dhyana and I couldn’t stand in the pool any more.
After all this time laboring, she was exhausted. I couldn’t hold her up any longer. We moved her to the ikea couch and she laid on her side and she pushed. And then I caught my baby girl. She was stunningly beautiful and pink.. I held her up to Dhyana and our eyes locked as we marveled at our beautiful baby girl. What an incredible experience to be part of the birth of my daughter. What an incredibly strong person Dhyana is.
The baby was cleaned up and then she latched on to Dhyana. We gave our daughter the name Vivian a few days later. We held on to the space and wanted to get to know her before attaching a name to her.
Our midwife said that our baby was posterior or sunny side up, that’s why it was so painful for Dhyana.
The apartment was an incredible mess. There were bloody towels on the floor, pillows everywhere, a hot tub. It looked like a crazy party happened in our house.
The next few months of parenthood were amazing, difficult, filled with love and also very challenging. Dhyana still brings up that I used to complain that I couldn’t just come home from work, drink a beer and watch television anymore. I had a difficult transition to Fatherhood. I had no idea the marathon we were in for.
A few months after V was born, in September of 2008, the entire economic structure of the western work turned upside down. The value of our 1 bedroom apartment went below the cost I paid for it. I closed the doors of my studio and started to look for full-time work. Our world changed entirely not only because we had a baby, but because the economy crashed. We also had to rethink how we were going to support ourselves. Dhyana was so sad to be commuting to Brooklyn from Jersey City and leaving her with a Nanny. Even though we found a great woman to help us out, it wasn’t the same as them being together and eventually would lead to even greater changes in how we lived our lives.